How to Accept Your Son's Girlfriend
84The Other Woman in His Life
Get Along with His Choice
Good relationships begin at the start. When your son brings home a girlfriend, here are ways to develop positive rapport.
The human family is like a wolf pack. There is a social hierarchy and a code of acceptance and rejection. When a son introduces a new female into his world, the rest of the females—young and old—take notice. Who is this unfamiliar creature that has attracted our son’s attention? Fears and questions arise: Will she be good for him? Will she take him away from us?
It is natural to feel territorial, especially for a mother over her child. This is the reason why so many mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships become estranged. There is a tug-of-war with an unhappy male in the middle of it all. Young ladies attempt to prove their worth while mothers can be highly critical of the young woman who aims to replace her in her son’s life.
But mothers would be well advised to use care in their interactions with their children’s dates in the event that these relationships become permanent, and here is what to keep in mind:
First impressions don’t always count. How many times have we misjudged someone based on superficial factors (clothing, car, education, career)? Didn’t people of his time misjudge Jesus Christ himself? Get to know your son’s girlfriend. He must be attracted to some good qualities.
Don’t judge her at all. Do you remember how difficult it was to stand in judgment of your husband’s mother and family? No one likes to be judged. Everyone has the right to be who she wants to be without anyone else’s approval, including yours.
Support your son’s choice. In the end, your opinion will not win out. It is your son’s choice and happiness that matters. He will appreciate your support and resent your disapproval.
When to Be Alarmed
Young lovers are blind to serious red flags in their relationships which is why mothers become so alarmed when they see what they perceive to be poor choices. But it’s important to refrain from being petty. Her clothing, car, finances, education, family background and hobbies are compatibility matters for your son to think about. If he is okay with them, you should be too. If he is willing to risk his career, relinquish his faith, marry “beneath” or “above” his station or even give up his wish to have children, he will have to live with the consequences. If she comes with serious emotional baggage, including mental or physical illness or addictions and he loves her enough to take her as is, you need to step aside and allow him to walk the life path he chooses.
There is only real red flag to be concerned about: Violence. If his girlfriend is prone to violence, she poses a risk to your son and any future children.
When to Say Something
The time to say your peace is before they reach the altar. Offer your insights without judgment or emotion—no threats, tears or tirades—or you son will close his ears. Talk to him one-on-one. Explain your concerns but follow them with, “I will respect your choice and love you no matter what.”
As his mother, you have the right to forewarn him of upcoming problems that may stem from differences in faith and other areas of incompatibility, for example. But as long as he is aware of what could be around the corner in a bad relationship, you must back off, let him make his mistakes and let him find his joy. Not allowing him the freedom to learn from his decisions is a mistake, too.
How to Get Along
Be civil. If you choose to be rude and unwelcoming, this girl will do the same. One day, you will not be welcome into her home—with your son and grandchildren in it.
Be warm and approachable. Don’t be the Queen Bee to which everyone must kowtow. It might seem amusing that you can make this new girl nervous with a sideways look, but her fear will soon turn to disdain.
Find her good points. Everyone has positive qualities. Find hers and bring them to everyone’s attention.
Ignore her faults. Would you like it if your mother-in-law harped on your faults?
Respect life differences. You two do not have to be alike, have the same habits, priorities or opinions. Embrace diversity. Look at the wondrous variety in nature.
Be glad that this girl makes your son happy. If she makes your son happy that is the greatest gift she can give you. Nothing else really matters.
Don’t criticize. Do you like it when your mother-in-law butts into your life? If you criticize, the girl—and your son—will avoid you.
Lastly, accept what comes. Your son’s girlfriend may not last in his life anyway so why make a big deal of it? And, if she does become his wife, you will have set down a solid foundation of good rapport so you needn’t worry. Instead of losing your son, you’ve gained a daughter--and a very good friend.
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I find it useful,I have four son one came home with a girl who will never say hi to me when he first start'ed going out with her, I always said hi some time she will just be looking at me, and my son will be there when she is doing this,this is my first son, now my #2 son will tel his girlfriend not to talk to me when he has problem with me even now he send his graduation invitation to his girl friend and a friend, when she see will also not say hi,how can I understand this ,I care for this children when thier father left when they were babys is this what I get for 26years, please help me.
Hi Laila, there is so much to know before I can really help. First, examine your own ways. Did you criticize them a lot? Were you too harsh? If you were only good to them and they still treat you this way, I would sit them down for a talk to find out what they are thinking. Be direct: "What have I done to make you treat me this way?" Have they always treated you this way? Do you think that they might blame you for their father's leaving the family? Be sure to tell them you love them. Sometimes, mothers assume their children know they are loved but it is important to express it in words as well as actions. My advice is to show only love and kindness toward your sons and their girlfriends. They will remember all of your loving care you gave them through the years and eventually, they will change their behavior towards you.
get real!
My son's girlf friend will sleep over in his room. Gets up like there is nothing wrong... They know that my husband and I dont like it at all. What d you do in this case ? Plus she nevers smiles.... That bugs me toooooo death !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
My sons girlfriend is always calling him names and is always angry. She hates our whole family for no reason at all. She's been dating him for three years and he say's she'll grow out of it.
To pat -- Its YOUR house, you lovingly but firmly must set the rules. Tell your son it is the policy in your home that unmarried couples do not share a room or bed in your home. You have no control over what they do elsewhere, but you are responsible for what you allow in your home, so don't be bullied by his defiance of you.
MY SON HAS BEEN DATING A GIRL FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.SINCE HE HAS BEEN WITH HER HE HAS CHANGED SO MANY WAYS. MY SON HAS ALWAYS A RESPECTFUL CHILD. NOW HE IS VERY ARROGANT AND DISRESPECTFUL. THIS GIRL IS TRULY A BAD INFLUENCE.SHE CONSTANTLY DRINKS, SHE HAS TWO CHILDREN THAT SHE DOES NOT CARE FOR. HE STAYS OUT MOSTLY EVERY NIGHT WITH HER.WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOME,BUT HE WOULD RATHER STAY WITH HER IN A HOUSE WHERE TWELVE OTHER PEOPLE LIVE.I HAVE CONSTANTLY TRIED TO TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS BEHAVIOR BUT HE REFUSES TO LISTEN.HE HAS LOST HIS JOB AND HAS NOT REALLY TRIED TO FIND ANOTHER.I LOVE MY SON AND I AM AFRAID THAT SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN IF HE CONTINUES ON THIS PATH. AT THIS POINT I FEEL THAT I CAN ONLY PRAY THAT GOD WILL GET HIM AWAY FROM THIS HORRIBLE PERSON.I AM TRULY SADDENED AND DISAPPOINTED IN MY SON.PLEASE,GIVE ME SOME GOOD ADVICE. THANKS ELIA
losing a job is really hard and can get you down. Others may feel you are not looking for a job when you are looking for many and get disheartened. If you know he has always been respectful, thechange may be because he is trying to breakaway
My eldest son Matt has been dating this girl who has been totally appauling both my younger son Mike 17, my husband and myself. We made the mistake of letting her live in our home 5 months ago and my home has become so uncomfortable that we have asked her to move out. My son who is still in college for another at least 3 yrs. does not see any of these issues we are having with her, Love is blind I know.
She is foul mouthed and I mean drops the f-bomb like its candy even in from of us. She is disrespectful, leaves things all over the place, waste food, milk..etc, she is rude to anyone that is not one of her few personal friends and she only has a couple. Not a very friendly person at all..she actually has made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
We spent a week at the beach for spring break just last week and had another girl with us my younger sons girlfriend, Matts girlfriend in a full 7 days never spoke to her once it was obvious she was jealous, I cannot even imagine not speaking a week to someone that I was in the same condo with. Help!
also, this girl has done some things that have been very disturbing as well, that would scare any mother. Like taking my younger sons things and hiding them in her dresser, stupid things like his hair gel and she seems extremely jealous of my younger sons close relationship with Tyler.
she also attends college and skips classes often which being under my roof and acting in such an irresponsible way around my younger son is upsetting, my boys just dont do these kinds of things. When she started dating Matt she lived with her aunt apparently did not see eye to eye with her mother and step father whom run a beautiful heifer farm and her mom is a school teacher. Her mom kicked her out of the house a fact we recently just found out as his girlfriend told us she moved out.
I am up in arms as to why my son does not see these things, he has dated other girls in the past without no problems like this, they were nice girls and acted like ladies..I'm confused, my guts are telling me just give him time.
Any advice and insight on these situations of life.
My eldest son Matt has been dating this girl who has been totally appauling both my younger son Mike 17, my husband and myself. We made the mistake of letting her live in our home 5 months ago and my home has become so uncomfortable that we have asked her to move out. My son who is still in college for another at least 3 yrs. does not see any of these issues we are having with her, Love is blind I know.
She is foul mouthed and I mean drops the f-bomb like its candy even in from of us. She is disrespectful, leaves things all over the place, waste food, milk..etc, she is rude to anyone that is not one of her few personal friends and she only has a couple. Not a very friendly person at all..she actually has made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
We spent a week at the beach for spring break just last week and had another girl with us my younger sons girlfriend, Matts girlfriend in a full 7 days never spoke to her once it was obvious she was jealous, I cannot even imagine not speaking a week to someone that I was in the same condo with. Help!
also, this girl has done some things that have been very disturbing as well, that would scare any mother. Like taking my younger sons things and hiding them in her dresser, stupid things like his hair gel and she seems extremely jealous of my younger sons close relationship with Matt
she also attends college and skips classes often which being under my roof and acting in such an irresponsible way around my younger son is upsetting, my boys just dont do these kinds of things. When she started dating Matt she lived with her aunt apparently did not see eye to eye with her mother and step father whom run a beautiful heifer farm and her mom is a school teacher. Her mom kicked her out of the house a fact we recently just found out as his girlfriend told us she moved out.
I am up in arms as to why my son does not see these things, he has dated other girls in the past without no problems like this, they were nice girls and acted like ladies..I'm confused, my guts are telling me just give him time.
Any advice and insight on these situations of life.
I'm sorry that I haven't checked in for a long time. Going through serious life stuff. Anyway...
Sometimes, a young kid/man chooses only to see the good parts of a girl, totally ignoring the obvious red flags for a variety of reasons. Here are a few I can think of:
1. He wants to be her champion. Young boys with low self-esteem are attracted to girls that make them feel good about themselves. If the girl is "broken" in some way, he can be her hero or savior. He will defend her to others because he is the only one who "truly understands" that there is a sweet girl underneath the tough exterior.
2. He is experimenting with other personality types than those he has been used to dating. There can be thrills dating a "dangerous" or "renegade" girl. She might behave in ways that he wishes he could or at least in ways that seem very different from his perhaps sheltered life.
The thing is that a young man must be getting something from his relationship with this girl. And don't discount the importance and bonding of great sex. "Nice" young ladies/girls can have sexual hang-ups.
Young girls also are developing into who they want to be so a lot of this behavior is thoughtless and fleeting. In most cases.
The hard part is hoping your son will wake up before making any lifelong commitment to this girl. Love your son without forcing ultimatums. Don't force him to choose between you and the girl. Just love your son so he will never forsake you for anyone. You have had decades with him while she has had only a year or so. You have time on your side.
I once had a dream that my family was outdoors in the backyard, enjoying our sweet kitties. A monkey with a banana ran up and grabbed one of my kitties, slung him under its arm and ran away. I panicked and began to shout which only sent them both farther away. Then, something said, "Call to the kitten." I called sweetly to the kitten who wriggled out of the monkey's arms and ran back to me.
My son was with a girl we did not approve of and he even planned on marrying her. My family and I were sure to surround my son with lots of love all the time so he knew what a loving family he had and what he would be missing if he had to make a choice. Then, we told him that we loved him and if he was sure, we would back him up and love his wife, too, but before he made that choice, we begged him to listen to what we had to say.
And we presented our concerns. Not putting her down at all, but expressing that she just wasn't going to be the one to make him happy. We painted a picture of what family life with her as a wife and mother of his children would be like. Is that what he wanted? If he were going to give his own son advice if he were going to marry a woman like his fiance, what would he say to his son?
Not all life paths are meant to be easy and if he chooses a hard path, we'll walk it with him. But if we could prevent that, if he could trust us his family who loves him unconditionally and forever, could he rethink this choice?
It's important not to judge the girl or he will rush to her defense. We expressed that it wasn't that we didn't like this girl as a person and that we understood that everyone is "broken" in some way...and some people are worth fixing...and that everyone deserves to be loved...but this woman needs to fit into his life, his lifestyle, which includes his family. Would he want his son to cut him out of his life over a girl? Divorces and break-ups happen all the time. Family is forever.
The right girl for him will love his family, too, because his family is a big part of him and who he is. The right girl will bring more love and joy to the family as the family grows.
He began to see our points, and he broke up with this girl.
Call to the kitten! :)
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bingskee Level 2 Commenter 22 months ago
though i find it funny that a hub will be discussing something about this, i find the tips very useful as well. nice!